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Licking the spoon Cuisine and the dynamics of sexual politics. Women - we're on to you. Men - listen up. Fuck Freud. I've finally figured out where the entire male/female dynamic is created, where all of the games and nonsense start. It all starts... at licking the spoon. That's right. I said licking the spoon. When you were a kid, and your mother was baking treats, what's the one thing you fought over - the one thing that made you interested that she was cooking anything at all? That's right. Licking the spoon. If she was making supper or doing anything useful, you were nowhere to be found as a kid. When mom's making liver and onions, no one really wants to lick the spoon. Ah, but if she was making cookies, there you were, waiting eagerly for her to finish. Then you'd snatch up that spoon and hoard it in the corner like some rabid wolf with a deer's leg. That was your way of helping to clean up. Spoon's all clean, put it back in the drawer. If you were lucky, you'd get the whole bowl to clean. Now you're doing dishes. Your mother was smart. She knew how to hook you in and make you understand you had a vested interest in clean plates and silverware. And she made you think you were having fun. Somehow, though, when the cookies came out, they were kind of a disappointment. Sure, they were tasty, but everyone got to have one. Only you got to lick the spoon. And you were there for the whole process. You were part of it. And the next time, you'd step right up to the batter. The little girls were watching. And when everyone was all grown up, the lessons of the spoon started to emerge. And you are well trained. When Johnny and Susie first start dating, Johnny is tempted by the lure of the mix. He sees all of the tasty ingredients, and he starts to wonder what the finished cookie tastes like. He's overtaken by how everything is coming together, and becomes truly interested. He's fetched the flour, measured out the oil in cups, and perhaps taken the chips out of the cupboard and laid them out in easy reach. He watches as each morsel he has contributed becomes part of the whole, until he can't tell the difference between his contribution and what Susie added. Then the bowl is full of potential cookie. Susie drops the little circle onto a finely greased pan, then another, then another, and his anticipation to see what they've made grows. She puts the cookies in the oven, but Johnny is hungry now. Susie says he has to wait. They're not ready. That's when he starts to get whiney. After all, he was so good and obedient. Susie can see Johnny's trying, so she wants to reward him. But they have to clean up still. So she let's him... That's right. Lick the spoon. And that wonderful taste keeps him going until the cookies are done. But they can't eat in a dirty kitchen, so he cleans up the pots and pans, takes out the garbage, and clears the table. All in hopes of finally eating those cookies when they're done. And sometime, when he's done everything he possibly could, and waited in agony, the cookies are finally done, and he gets that taste and thinks, "Finally. These are so good. But licking the spoon was so much better." And at that point, he realizes Susie has made everything happen. He's settled into a routine of cleaning up, and now the afterglow fades as the routine continues with you washing the pans. The cookies are cooling on the rack, and he'll walk back and grab one every once in a while. Even worse, after all of that, Susie will realize there's enough for everyone, and start bringing cookies to Johnny's friends, his neighbors - even the nursing home. And that singular experience Johnny shared with Susie is now polluted. The cookies will never taste the same, and even licking the spoon has lost its pleasure. Still, old habits die hard, and Johnny will always be lured by the idea of licking the spoon. And so now you see where sexual politics come from. Camille Paglia, Gloria Steinem, Elizabeth Wurtzel, and the rest, you can stop working. I've cracked the code. Now, if you'll excuse me, my cookies are burning. -Nick |
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