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Just Say, "Whoa" Out the frying pan... I was sitting on my couch, wondering if I should take another bong hit, when it hit me: Whoa, that girl was hot. Dark hair, mysterious eyebrows, tight lips, even tighter curves -- she had it all. For some reason, she was holding a frying pan and an egg. And she was talking to me. Me, of all people. In her phone sex voice. Why? What was she saying? I didn't care. I just wanted to get a piece of that action. Man, she was hot. Then the commercial ended, and I saw the words "Partnership for a Drug-Free Colorado and America" on the screen. Since I didn't feel like getting up anyway, I remained on the couch for hours until it came on again. Sure enough, it was a new twist on the old "This is your brain; this is your brain on drugs" routine. The hottie was ranting, "...and this is what happens to your family, and your money, and your self-esteem..." while smashing everything in the kitchen with that frying pan. Then she ended it with the sexy pout, the fuck-me eyes, and the raspy little voice that should have said, "So, you wanna do it again?" but instead asked, "Any questions?" She may be right, but come on, this is the new strategy? Try to be hip to get the kids' attention? Not gonna work, and I'll tell you why. First of all, kids have no attention left if they're watching TV anyway, so there goes your prime medium of reaching them. Second, it just doesn't work that way. Not while Quentin Tarantino makes movies and Marilyn Manson dominates the airwaves. Kids today may be a bunch of dumbasses, but when it comes to what's cool, they know what's up. Being bad is cool, and nothing is going to change that. But it seems like it should work, right? You know, go down to their level, get inside their heads, talk like them, make them think. Fact is, the relationship between Society with a capital S and kids is a lot like the relationship between parents and kids. As long as kids are still kids, parents will always be parents, and they're not meant to be listened to. For the same reason that your mom can't take you to a Cannibal Corpse concert, Society can't tell you not to use drugs. You're not going to listen, and if you do, you're square. It's like Christian rock. Those clowns can never achieve the killer guitar riffs, anthem vocals, and smokin' grooves that real rockers can because rock is based entirely on rebellion and antisocial behavior. The cool music comes out of that. Hence the phrase, "Sex, drugs, and rock and roll." Ned Flanders can try as hard as he can to reach kids by imitating what they like, it just ends up being a goofy imitation for kids to make fun of as they get high and get each other pregnant. Perfect example -- this frying pan and egg thing. If I remember correctly, it wasn't too long after the original commercials aired that kids in my school were flocking to Spencer's to buy "This is your brain on drugs...and this is your brain with two slices of bacon and a piece of toast" T-shirts. The band Everclear can't speak for your parents and tell you not to do drugs because your parents, by definition, just can't have dyed hair and eyebrow rings. Having that freaked-out girl sing the "It's Meth!" song and scrub her bathroom floor with a toothbrush will only lead to kids humming the tune while they snort a killer line of it. And I don't want to beat this thing into the ground, but the fried-egg analogy is just plain silly. Is there a solution? I don't know... maybe create a nice little world where kids have two whole parents who actually take time away from their jobs to watch their kids grow up, where people know they're somebody's sons or daughters, where kids don't need three hits of acid to realize that life can be beautiful. Until then, I guess, kids will have to learn the hard way -- by watching their friends die, or maybe even dying themselves. -Jay P. |
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