 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
 |
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Black Flag, VD, and Cher Mr. Fred bashes pop I believe it was Mike Muir of Suicidal Tendencies who once said, "Top 40 Sucks." I believed it when I heard it in 1981, and actually probably believed it in my heart of hearts before I heard him put it so eloquently. But honestly, folks. Did it ever suck more than it does today? Take for instance, Cher. Well, maybe she's a bad example, because she's had hit records for decades. Oddly, they all suck. How can someone with such an obvious lack of singing talent have a hit record? The song "Believe" is so annoyingly repetitive, you only have to hear it once, if that many times. I mean, the damned song starts with the chorus hook! I guess they were afraid the seemingly endless repetition wouldn't bury it deeply enough in your mind. The curse of it all is that if you only heard it once, you'd still have it stuck in your head for the rest of your sorry life. Yah, I know, it's crafted to be catchy. Hell, so is VD and I try really hard to avoid that. Still, it must be nice to have a nominal amount of talent, (wish I knew) and yet be given a shot at it every decade or so to have a big hit record. Makes me wonder where all the other lousy singers are, though. Why is it only Cher that gets a turn every now and then? What about all those other talentless bubblegum singers that VH1 always seems to be showing a "documentary" on? Rick Springfield, David Cassidy, Andy Gibb... oh, I guess he's pretty much gone for good, huh? Boy George, and all the rest of ‘em. Why don't THEY get a hit record every ten - oh, man. Forget I said that. Knock on wood for me, would ya? Before David Hasslehoff puts out a boxed set? Back in the 70's there was actually a debate regarding the use of electronic gimmickry and enhancement. Roots rocker Dave Edmunds once stated, "With synthesizers you can actually make shit shine." If "Believe" isn't an absolute example of this quote, I don't know what is. Ralf Hutter and Florian Schneider are probably learning how to play banjo somewhere in Duseldorf as a result of this inescapable jingle masquerading as a fully formed song. Don't know who Ralf and Florian are? Sorry to hear that. I bet you know who Sugar Ray are. There is no justice in this world. I mean, if Milli Vanilli and countless other "musicians" catch flack for being assisted in their vocal chores (to be kind about it), why not Cher? Isn't her voice so doctored up on this song that it might as well be me singing it? Hell, hook me up to the circuitry and I'll become an opera singer, if the standards have sunk that low. Maybe they can feed my voice through some kind of software so I don't have to learn Italian while they're at it. Not that I begrudge Cher a little electronic helping hand. If only they had helped her enough to make her voice unrecognizable as hers, I'd be applauding their efforts. At least they could have done something about that bizarre diction problem she has. Of course, if they had cleared up her "mush mouthed" vocals way back in the 60's Michael Stipe and Eddie Vedder would probably have no career at all. Speaking of the "grandfathers" of "alternative" music, I shouldn't even comment. I mean, it is already, and has been since they coined the phrase, a joke. Alternative, yet you can find it in the national top 40. Guess that makes Steven Spielberg an underground director - if you apply the name to him often enough. TV Guide should also qualify as "underground press" under these strict standards. It's one thing to mention that you listened to Black Flag - when there really was alternative music that was original as a kid, like Eddie Vedder, and yet another to have actually been influenced by them. Talk about an exercise in trying to seem credible - look, we're dark and disturbing... I used to listen to Black Flag! Big deal. I swear I hear more Black Flag in the Squirrel Nut Zippers than I do in Pearl Jam. Speaking of nominally talented singers that just won't go away - how about Michael Stipe? Mikey says he's a huge fan of Ian Mackaye - and subsequently seems to have a Minor Threat and Fugazi fixation as well. It's not a fixation that carries through to anything other than his wardrobe, however. I recently saw an REM video, and actually thought it was actually Minor Threat! Not musically, mind you, (I had the sound off), but visually. There was Stipe, with a ‘Threat tee shirt on, weighing all of 90 pounds, head shaved, imitating the movements and mannerisms of Ian Mackaye, circa 1982 - and the proof is in the Minor Threat live at the 9:30 club video, which is still available through DisChord records. Stipe looks like he waited at the Salvation Army in Washington DC for Ian to drop off a bag of used clothing. Hardcore punk was never popular, though, so you'll never hear a hint of the influence in REM's SOUND. But, as long as its cool to seem like you're into something that is obscure, underground and "old school," you can at least pay lip service by aping the fashion, just like Pearl Jam. No hint of Black Flag in their sound, unless you count the plodding tempos, and even then Black Flag always had a drummer who could PLAY, unlike whoever it is that mimics a metronome for Pearl Jam. Black Flag played slower than sludge to pummel you into the floor. Pearl Jam play like they have no life in them, because, basically, they have no life in them. They don't have the energy to pummel. They barely have the ability to plod. Much like the Grateful Dead, when they bring the tempo above dirge it seems like there are going to be medical repercussions. You can almost see doctors standing in the wings, waiting to give the band emergency medical attention. Which brings me to about a million slacker bands. I'm not going to name names here, because honestly, I don't have the patience to listen long enough to find out who they are. But, I'll tell you this. Much like the above-mentioned Mr's Vedder and Stipe, all of the vocalists sound like old men. Old men with their teeth out, eating oatmeal and trying to sing at the same time, or Cher on one of her better days. Fortunately, their bands keep a similar energy level in their playing. It all sounds like the Band circa 1968 - without so much abandon. In other words, it's all very polite. Alternative, yet polite. How nice. Speaking of musicians I don't have the patience to listen to long enough to identify, is there anything in the world more played out and stale than rap? How on earth can anybody even listen any more? The videos are all the same - a handful of 20-somethings all crowded around the camera, looking down into it, moving their arms around for the entire song. Kind of reminds me of some stuff I heard 20 years ago. But then again, these days, everything does. -Fred |
||
|
|
|||
