 |
 |
 |
 |
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
New Government Weather Weapons Recent reports from ABC news claim that the U.S. military has finally caught up with General Hospital, Scooby-do, and the Avengers, and are developing weather control machines as weapons. Think of what would happen if we could make it snow in Baghdad, or pinpoint Milosevic with a true lightning strike. The true power of God in the hands of your friendly government. I feel better already. While the public is left to simply imagine the new powers our military will unleash upon unsuspecting enemies, I have a few ideas of what the future will look like. Operation: Dumbo Drop -- The Pentagon explores military product placement in conjunction with this new weapon. To promote a health club in San Francisco, the Marines will drop obese celebrities into the ocean to produce tsunamis and wipe out coastal cities. Scheduled for testing first are lovable sidekick Dom DeLuise, Dallas Cowboys lineman Leon Lett, and Divine's first training bra (technically a celebrity all on its own.) Operation: Wind Bags -- What to do with all of those out-of-work Republicans after the next election... Gather them all up in the desert outside of Baghdad and let them retry Clinton. Make up some new charges to stir up debate - abuse of power in using Buddy the White House dog to lure chicks into the Presidential Limo, calling the Secret Service telling them AL Gore has died when he is only napping, bilking millions from phony real estate deals. Shouldn't be too difficult. The resulting wind should cause a deadly sandstorm that will render enemy technology useless. Early tests allowing Al D'Amato filibuster in Death Valley nearly destroyed most of Arizona. Operation: Snow Job -- And what to do with all of the out-of-work bull slingers after Clinton leaves office... Similar institution to Operation: Wind Bags, but with a different effect. In lieu of the current proposal for a missile defense system, James Carville, the Clinton legal team, and possibly Clinton himself, would attempt to confuse the elements, making it impossible to determine what weather "is" and causing massive snow storms. This would make it impossible for enemy missiles to properly target any American objective. Can also be used to produced fog. Operation: Trailer Spin -- This is the easiest technology of all. An advance ground force would develop trailer parks in a distinct pattern around target areas. They would then persuade people who can't afford home insurance to move in, thus lowering property values and endangering the economy of the target nation. Then, the U.S. would give that country aid and allow HUD to develop the areas surrounding the trailer parks, making the trailer parks more attractive to those whose neighborhoods used to be attractive and affordable. When the enemy nation is concentrated in these core areas, the U.S. would then withdraw aid and let the tornadoes, naturally attracted to areas with poor economic infrastructure, do their work. Simple. There. I just hope these plans will help the government develop these weapons quickly so our boys will never again have to face unarmed Iraqis while drinking pina coladas in the back of an assault Winnebago. For the sake of our grateful nation, Mr. Clinton, bring back Old Shoe. -Nick |
||
|
|
|||
