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Russian Sunlight Cosmonauts fail to bring a bright future to the world Those wacky Russians are at it again. At a time when the Russian economy is sinking like Ted Kennedy's Buick, the space program is investing in a risky and controversial experiment to increase productivity and decrease alcoholism and depression with sunlight. Last month, cosmonauts attempted to unfurl an 82-foot-diameter space mirror which would reflect sunlight onto the earth for more hours of "daylight" in areas where the sun barely shows itself during the winter. There was opposition to the plan in Russia, where some felt money for the program would have been better used on silly, unnecessary items like building a strong industrial base or even food. Outside Russia, opposition was just as strong amongst astronomers, who claimed the mirrors would have destroyed sensitive components in telescopes, frying them with too much light. Asked for comment on this theory, Russian officials smiled and said, "Oops." The first attempt to unfurl the mirrors failed when the mirrors got caught on the antenna of the Mir, also known as the "Space Chevette." After attempts to free the mirrors without damage failed, they were cut loose and burned up in the atmosphere over the Pacific Ocean. Sensing a possible backlash if the program failed, Russian scientists did have a back-up plan. This time, the plan is to cover the Kremlin in gasoline and then set fire to Yelstin's liver. Russian scientists estimate that the flames could reach several miles into the sky, providing daylight conditions for much of the Northern Hemisphere. -Nick |
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