 |
 |
 |
 |
|
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
NYC creates new area code New York - Communications giant Bell Atlantic revealed Monday morning that the impetus for the recently proposed 646 area code in Manhattan is a marked increase in cell phone use among yuppie assholes. "New York has always had a heavy asshole population," said one Bell Atlantic spokesperson, "but we've always treated assholes like any other customer. In the last few years, though, these assholes have been using cell phones non-stop. Look around the city, and all you see is some asshole with a cell phone glued to the side of their head. Assholes in cars, assholes crowding the sidewalks, even assholes on rollerblades, all putting a strain on the city's communications infrastructure." As a result, Manhattan is quickly running out of phone numbers, as extension after extension is given out to some asshole with a cell phone. While extremely profitable for fly-by-night cell phone providers, sometimes profitable enough to keep them in business and in the same location for upwards of six months, the exponential growth in cell phone use will prove costly to phone companies, not just in New York, but all over the country. Assholes, particularly yuppie assholes, have long been a boon to other industries, namely those which make cigars, luxury cars, and other such meaningless tokens of affluence. During the 1980s, considered by many to be the Golden Age of the Asshole, the asshole market had seemingly limitless potential. The telecommunications industry is learning the harsh lesson that catering to assholes has a downside. "We've committed billions of dollars to accommodating these assholes," said Bell Atlantic's spokesperson. "These assholes and their cell phones have had an enormous detrimental effect on our ability to effectively provide the greater New York area with high-quality phone service." The company also cited an increase in fax and data lines throughout the city as a minor contributing factor. Yet to be decided is the method of implementing the new area code: Bell Atlantic favors a system by which Manhattan is split up geographically, leaving the current 212 area code in lower Manhattan, and instituting the 646 code uptown. The city government is pushing for an overlay plan, in which current phone customers and assholes alike would keep existing 212 numbers, and all new phone lines would be given 646. The downside is that New Yorkers would have to dial an area code for all local calls, whether within a given area code or not. Many New Yorkers have voiced complaints about the inconvenience caused by instituting either of these new systems, but, as Bell Atlantic reminds, "we wouldn't have to go through any of this if it weren't for all those assholes." -Mike V., New York Correspondent |
||
|
|
|||
