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It was wrong, but damn, it was good Our first-rate team of political spies here at Smartass are just about the best, rivaled only by the Bothan spies who captured the Death Star plans for Princess Leia. Our guys were able to get a recording of President Clinton's rehearsal of his original speech, which is very different from the one he recited Monday night on TV. An insider reported that after practicing his speech several times, the president was attacked by men in unmarked uniforms, force-fed quaaludes, stuffed inside a room service cart, and rushed to the Hilary-education complex deep in the bowels of the White House basement, where a new speech was drilled into him from behind by a large, laser cannon-like machine operated by his wife. "After returning from there," our contact said, "his speech was much different. I think it was the drugs that gave him the bloodshot eyes and that discombobulated look. Well, no, he's had that for a while." We're taking a big risk here at Smartass by publishing this. We could be visited by those very same mysterious "men in black" who have kept the government's secrets secret ever since Martha Washington's extensive bong collection became the object of public speculation. But it is our duty as responsible, dedicated journalists to bring you the truth, because it's out there, man. It's really out there. Here goes: "Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky and several other interns, TV repairmen, and foreign dignitaries that was inappropriate. But damn, it was good. In my shoes, you would have done the same thing. "You, the American people, you watch your little Inside Editions and your Geraldo Riveras, and you think you have the right to criticize me for my conduct in my personal life. Well, my personal life is as personal to me as yours is to you. How would you like it if the government kept track of your private lives? OK, nevermind... the point is, it's nobody's business but my family's. This is between me and the only people I answer to: God, my wife, and the tobacco industry. "Are you jealous? Is that it? If you were me, you'd do the same thing. Think about it: you have the power to do anything you want. You can have anyone killed at any time, and you ultimately hold the future of every individual life in your hands. It's like being a teacher. I can get laid anytime I want to. Can you? And I'm talking to the people my age here: I bet you'd do anything to get it goin' on with the next door neighbor's daughter. Hell, they invented Viagra to make people into Clinton love machines, if you get my meaning. "And if you think you can get on your high moral horse and judge me, think about this. Who do you want at the controls of the nukes? Do you want a sex-starved maniac who can't go to a staff meeting without getting a woody? No, you want a president who's calm, focused, and sexually satisfied. You want me to nail my interns. You need me to nail my interns. Did I have an 'improper' relationship with Ms. Lewinsky? You're God damn right I did! You can't handle the - hey, who are-" At this point, the transmission was cut off. Our spies managed to evade the Imperial troops long enough to get the tape back to Smartass headquarters. But read this article at your own risk. Remember, they don't want you to know this. -Jay |
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