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Godzilla Stars: A Big Lizard, Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Pitillo, Hank Azaria Dir: Roland Emmerich Hollywood hates New York. There's no other way to explain why, every summer, a new blockbuster beats the crap out of the Chrysler Building, topples the Trade Center, and generally levels the place. We've seen tidal waves, runaway comets, and aliens (other than the ones already living there) demolish NYC. You can now add a genetically mutated iguana to that list. From the opening credits, Godzilla seems to be trying awfully hard to look at the King of Lizards with a smirk, but it usually comes off as hysterically obvious. The first image during the credits is from a grainy, yellowing film tracking iguanas and other leathery quadrupeds as they scurry about their happy desert home. Then, for the sake of contrast, we are shown a towering nuclear mushroom. All the wee beasties start to scramble for cover. Get it? Isn't that poignant? It's man versus technology - the creation of the bomb. Actually, the biggest bomb here is not nuclear - it's cinematic. And it probably took more money and more sophisticated technology. Good thing it won't hit as many people. Granted, this isn't meant to be anything but a Hollywood bangfest, a popcorn movie. Still, your suspension of disbelief would have to be on par with those who believe pro-wrestling is real to think Godzilla is anything but the corniest movie of the season. Here's a few examples. Keep in mind this is the director/producer team that convinced us that Randy Quaid was the only hope for humanity against an alien onslaught last summer in ID4. New York City is a big place. Big enough, apparently, for the most sophisticated army in the world to lose track of Godzilla. Not a trace of him anywhere, besides the gaping hole in the MetLife Building and Piles of rotting fish. When they do see him, they manage to miss him with every big gun and destroy a different landmark. Because the U.S. Army is so incompetent, the only hope for saving the Earth is a group of French guys (the Randy Quaid principle). They did it in the Revolutionary War, and they're saving America's but again. Jean Reno, who was brilliant in "The Professional," leads a group of crack French intelligence officers, apparently because it was France's nuclear testing that created Godzilla in the first place. Matthew Broderick is Nick Tatopoulis, the scientist who understands Godzilla. It's hard to take him seriously as the only one who knows what's really going on when, at any moment, the theme from "I Dream of Genie" could pop on and he could start singing "Dunke Shein." His ex-lover, a reporter, doesn't help out as the petite, apple-cheeked raptor bait trying to show the world the real story. The only one who seemed natural in his part was character ace Hank Azaria, who played Animal, a crazy cameraman. Still, he had nothing to do. Broderick's natural affability was also wasted on a lifeless character. Jean Reno was amusing as the French agent, but that was about as far as he could go. By now, we've all been told that the stars agreed to do this movie for the fun of it. I just wish they had let us in on the joke. Emmerich and his partner Dean Devlin apparently expected this kind of reception, so they decided to strike first at critics with Mayor Ebert and his lackey Gene. Get ready to slap your knee - they look like - are you ready - they look like Siskel and Ebert! Ha! I thought so. The last straw - every cab in New York City is immaculate and indestructible. I probably would have enjoyed Godzilla a lot more if I wasn't paying as much attention. Perhaps if I had brought something to read... But sometimes a movie is so bad it becomes a legend. In that sense, Godzilla follows its predecessors quite closely, though it wasn't nearly as exciting as watching Mecha-Godzilla and the Smog Monster stomp a Lionel Train set. Maybe pro-wrestling is real after all. -Nick |
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